Dear Frida,
The last two weeks have been heaven and hell on earth.
I met a man who melted all of my fears away and inspired me for the first time in a long time, and as fate would have it, he turned out to be aggressive and unstable. His anger issues eventually surfaced after one week of bliss and proved to be very real and very disturbing.
My heart has been broken for a long time. I just got out of a very long relationship with a man whom I could never fulfill my needs for the full embodiment of love with. We always struggled, to overcome obstacles, mostly of his fears and issues with intimacy. I loved and nurtured him to the highest degree humanly possible; to still, after two long tumultuous years, be faced with defeat... and the agonizing pain of never feeling truly secure in the relationship. It became routine that I butted my head into a wall constantly in terms of feeling truly close and connected to him. He was too repressed, scared, and emotionally unavailable all of the time. He never truly was able to drop his guard for me. I was too much woman, too passionate, too fiery for his simplicity. It scared him.
To me, it was always a challenge to try to get him to delve deeper into himself and open up more. Yet it proved to be painful and exhausting; the irony is we have done some much damage to each other now that what feelings are left are those of pain, sadness, and hatred-- regardless of the abundant love and all of the obstacles we did overcome to be with each other. I never truly felt like he saw me as "the one". He told me I am the love of his life and many times proved to me through action he does love me endlessly, beyond reason. But the sad and cold reality of the situation, is that we, as two people, could not put our differences aside to love each other unconditionally.
Whatever fatal attraction bound us together, proved not valiant enough to hold it together. We just don't work. He is very simple, and plain. I am very difficult and complex at times, and need an energy that matches my own to counter that. My needs were never met. Our lovemaking was good but not exciting and adventurous and mind blowing. For me, it became stale very quick. Our emotional connection was often lacking and our intellectual connection always suffered. I was always itching for some new and stimulating energy, which never came from him.
Whats left now are the broken and fragmented pieces of my heart that I will have to put back together, slowly; with care. I drank from the hearts of a thousand shimmering starts to make him feel my love, and no matter how hard I tried, nothing was ever fully appreciated, or good enough. He was always shy, insecure, and looking over his shoulder for the next conquest, or more validation..... one more prize he could use to prove to himself he is worthy.......
He told me he felt he didn't deserve me. I think he manifested that, when the irony is he had me, my heart, soul, and body all along. More than any other man I have ever known.
-Lisa Marie
