Dear Frida,
I haven't written in a while.. Probably because, life simply hasn't permitted me to...
It's been extremely demanding.... i'm literally on antibiotics and just battling to stay alive and healthy.. I have a respiratory infection that won't go away...... and there has been a deep, aching pain rising in my underbelly that i've been avoiding out fear........ out of the uncomfortableness of my fear and a real desire to survive.
Everything seems distant right now.. almost surreal. That's the only way I can seem to procure myself. I am functioning, but from a place of deep detachment. Nothing means anything to me anymore. Except my family. They are the ones I live for, the reason I am still here.
People confuse civilization with civility. This first world country is not that. The people are too vile, they take everything for granted and everyone knows the price of something yet the value of nothing. It is a cut throat, dog eat dog world. Every day that I am alive, fighting off judgements, stereotypes and the pre=set disposition of the system, i feel i am fighting for my life, and sometimes I wonder why I am here.
What am I contributing to this wold....?
What is my purpose and how am I really making a difference?
I am working so hard right now Frida... I barely have time to sleep... I am constantly on the go... I guess it is my way of suppressing my feelings because I simply cannot deal with them right now. This way... it is much, much easier.
I am sacrificing every level of my being to get where I want to be. I want it so badly. I want to be a successful artist. I want to bare my soul to the world. I want to show them, my beauty, my pain, my struggle, my heart, my hope, my love......
I have so many blessings but have been through so much strife and sometimes I wonder what I have left to fight for. I wonder when the struggle is going to stop being so hard. When I will be able to relax. When it will feel like a peaceful, beautiful time in my life.
And then I realize that while I am lonely, hurting and in pain, at least I have a choice. At least I have opportunities. At least I have the power to make a difference. And if I just fight for a little bit longer I will make a difference.
