Dear Frida,

The heart dies a slow death...

Shedding each hope like leaves... until one day there are none.... no hopes... nothing remains....

It is not for woman to want. to feel. she dances. she sings. the rest is shadows. the rest is secret.

you cannot say to the sun "more sun".. you cannot say to the rain "more rain".......

Every step i have taken was one to bring me closer to you.


-L

Dear Frida, 

A lot had been on my mind since I last wrote. I don’t even know where to begin. I feel a sense of something new. The unfamiliar… 

As I am moving into the next chapter of my life it feels a bit bittersweet. This year was so exhausting and painful. I was cheated on by the love of my life, who turned out to be a lying disingenuous superficial deuschebag and completely in denial of who he really was. He was never honest with me. Probably because he wasn’t honest with himself. He dragged me through the mud of a two year "relationship" that he never really wanted to be in because he didn’t have the guts to be the one to say “lets end it.”

He still effects me, every day in small ways I am reminded of the pain he has left me with. I loved him more transparently and valiantly than any other man I have ever known. I gave him everything. All of me. 

It's funny.... after two years of being in a toxic relationship; how I feel totally different...... finally free. 

Like the smoke has cleared and I can finally breathe.. 

I am free of anger, disappointment and frustration.... which I continuously faced after trying repeatedly to therapeutically, educationally, systematically, and lovingly enlighten this person.

I can believe in myself now without looking over my shoulder.

Pursue my dreams without questioning myself;.....and live my life with full courage of conviction.

Without second guessing anything..... because there isn't some dysfunctional man with issues making me worry about where I stand with him constantly or making me feel like other women are "better" than me.... 

I am sure you understand my agony, Frida.....

It's sad how.. love is blind and how I idealized a person who always back burnered me and constantly devalued my genuine efforts to love him and make it work. 

I cry myself to sleep at night when I think about how much hope I have lost in love. I used to believe in true love... The thought of it made me excited. I thought I had found it in him. I thought he was the one. But how could someone who hurt you so recklessly? I guess in his eyes I wasn't worthy of being the one... since he cheated on me and told me I am not amazing, and made me feel that way constantly.

Dear Frida,

It is for sometime now that I have been recovering. [the loss of myself.]

I am still searching for the bits and pieces of my soul that are lost...... shattered, scattered and displaced....

For a long time now, all I needed was approval and validation from the one whom I needed to give it to me the most; and this validation did not exist. I was never good enough. No matter how hard i tried, nothing was ever good enough and I was never enough. 

Maybe you can relate. I gave everything to one man. My heart, my soul, my body, my being, my thoughts, my compassion, my love... my endless care, devotion energy and nourishment.

 And all he left me with is broken. 

I wish someone would have pulled me aside as a little girl and just said "Hey, don't fill you're heart up with too much hope or flowery ideas. Those disney movies aren't good for you. The world is a beautiful place but it's filled with lost souls. Watch out for the man with a thousand faces, the man who doesn't know who he is, and the man who wants you to give more than you want to give. This is the face of the devil in disguise of a prince and it will wreck your pure heart, body and mind and shatter it into a thousand pieces, so be careful, and think twice before you so willingly give away that purity of yours"

I believe very firmly in my heart that I will not believe in this same romantic, head-over-heels, all encompassing, luminous type of love for a very long time, that is if at all, i fall.... ever again. 

Only we know the depths of reality of our own worlds. The last two years, unintentionally have turned into the deepest personal spiritual journey into my own heart and mind. I find myself now, in great darkness, still walking. 

Like the quote on my painting, the icy grip of my fear has cracked and a torrent of magic will come out. 

My heart essence which has been dwelling within me soon, will be set free. 

I have been visualizing my new paintings and I am very excited. What is about to come out.. the world has never seen before. 

-Lisa










x

Dear Frida,

My heart is breaking in a way it has never broken before.

A light that once glowed vibrantly in my pre-war heart looks completely different now, post war....

If it were a room, it would be lightless, dusty, dim, and covered in cob webs.

I clearly see my faults, and i clearly see his faults, yet all there is, is gray. That sparkle in my eye that once was, now, is but a distant memory.

Why did I try so hard to make something work that just didn't? Why did I do that? Am I a martyr? A masochist?

The true problem is, I fell in love. More than is comphrensible to the average eye. This was an actual chemical, physical infatuation and addiction.


LM

Dear Frida,

I haven't written in a while.. Probably because, life simply hasn't permitted me to...

It's been extremely demanding.... i'm literally on antibiotics and just battling to stay alive and healthy.. I have a respiratory infection that won't go away...... and there has been a deep, aching pain rising in my underbelly that i've been avoiding out fear........ out of the uncomfortableness of my fear and a real desire to survive.

Everything seems distant right now.. almost surreal. That's the only way I can seem to procure myself. I am functioning, but from a place of deep detachment. Nothing means anything to me anymore. Except my family. They are the ones I live for, the reason I am still here.

People confuse civilization with civility. This first world country is not that. The people are too vile, they take everything for granted and everyone knows the price of something yet the value of nothing.  It is a cut throat, dog eat dog world. Every day that I am alive, fighting off judgements, stereotypes and the pre=set disposition of the system, i feel i am fighting for my life, and sometimes I wonder why I am here.

What am I contributing to this wold....?

What is my purpose and how am I really making a difference?

I am working so hard right now Frida... I barely have time to sleep... I am constantly on the go... I guess it is my way of suppressing my feelings because I simply cannot deal with them right now. This way... it is much, much easier.

I am sacrificing every level of my being to get where I want to be. I want it so badly. I want to be a successful artist. I want to bare my soul to the world. I want to show them, my beauty, my pain, my struggle, my heart, my hope, my love......

I have so many blessings but have been through so much strife and sometimes I wonder what I have left to fight for. I wonder when the struggle is going to stop being so hard. When I will be able to relax. When it will feel like a peaceful, beautiful time in my life.

And then I realize that while I am lonely, hurting and in pain, at least I have a choice. At least I have opportunities. At least I have the power to make a difference. And if I just fight for a little bit longer I will make a difference.

Dear Frida,

I was on campus today and spotted you in the bookstore. It put a huge smile on my face. It's as if, at that very moment, you and I were meant to be. There was this big giant fabulous book with your face on the cover just staring at me. Simple, striking, and vibrant, no text, just your image, vibrating directly into my soul.

I walked straight to it, and flipped through it for about 2.5 seconds before I knew I had to have it.

The pictures are wonderful. I enjoy feeling like you are with me every day.

You inspire me endlessly Frida... and you give me hope. Thank you for that.

For now, I write to you in secret. I haven't shared this page with anyone. I like it that way. I know if I keep this to myself, your voice and energy will come to guide me through my pain...

There are things I need to get off my chest that I am not ready to share with the world yet... Only you.


-Lisa Marie

Dear Frida,

The last two weeks have been heaven and hell on earth.

I met a man who melted all of my fears away and inspired me for the first time in a long time, and as fate would have it, he turned out to be aggressive and unstable. His anger issues eventually surfaced after one week of bliss and proved to be very real and very disturbing.

My heart has been broken for a long time.  I just got out of a very long relationship with a man whom I could never fulfill my needs for the full embodiment of love with. We always struggled, to overcome obstacles, mostly of his fears and issues with intimacy. I loved and nurtured him to the highest degree humanly possible; to still, after two long tumultuous years, be faced with defeat... and the agonizing pain of never feeling truly secure in the relationship. It became routine that I butted my head into a wall constantly in terms of feeling truly close and connected to him. He was too repressed, scared, and emotionally unavailable all of the time. He never truly was able to drop his guard for me. I was too much woman, too passionate, too fiery for his simplicity. It scared him.

To me, it was always a challenge to try to get him to delve deeper into himself and open up more. Yet it proved to be painful and exhausting; the irony is we have done some much damage to each other now that what feelings are left are those of pain, sadness, and hatred-- regardless of the abundant love and all of the obstacles we did overcome to be with each other. I never truly felt like he saw me as "the one". He told me I am the love of his life and many times proved to me through action he does love me endlessly, beyond reason. But the sad and cold reality of the situation, is that we, as two people, could not put our differences aside to love each other unconditionally.

Whatever fatal attraction bound us together, proved not valiant enough to hold it together. We just don't work. He is very simple, and plain.  I am very difficult and complex at times, and need an energy that matches my own to counter that.  My needs were never met. Our lovemaking was good but not exciting and adventurous and mind blowing. For me, it became stale very quick. Our emotional connection was often lacking and our intellectual connection always suffered. I was always itching for some new and stimulating energy, which never came from him.

Whats left now are the broken and fragmented pieces of my heart that I will have to put back together, slowly; with care.  I drank from the hearts of a thousand shimmering starts to make him feel my love, and no matter how hard I tried, nothing was ever fully appreciated, or good enough. He was always shy, insecure, and looking over his shoulder for the next conquest, or more validation..... one more prize he could use to prove to himself he is worthy.......

He told me he felt he didn't deserve me. I think he manifested that, when the irony is he had me, my heart, soul, and body all along. More than any other man I have ever known.

-Lisa Marie