Dear Frida,

The heart dies a slow death...

Shedding each hope like leaves... until one day there are none.... no hopes... nothing remains....

It is not for woman to want. to feel. she dances. she sings. the rest is shadows. the rest is secret.

you cannot say to the sun "more sun".. you cannot say to the rain "more rain".......

Every step i have taken was one to bring me closer to you.


-L

Dear Frida, 

A lot had been on my mind since I last wrote. I don’t even know where to begin. I feel a sense of something new. The unfamiliar… 

As I am moving into the next chapter of my life it feels a bit bittersweet. This year was so exhausting and painful. I was cheated on by the love of my life, who turned out to be a lying disingenuous superficial deuschebag and completely in denial of who he really was. He was never honest with me. Probably because he wasn’t honest with himself. He dragged me through the mud of a two year "relationship" that he never really wanted to be in because he didn’t have the guts to be the one to say “lets end it.”

He still effects me, every day in small ways I am reminded of the pain he has left me with. I loved him more transparently and valiantly than any other man I have ever known. I gave him everything. All of me. 

It's funny.... after two years of being in a toxic relationship; how I feel totally different...... finally free. 

Like the smoke has cleared and I can finally breathe.. 

I am free of anger, disappointment and frustration.... which I continuously faced after trying repeatedly to therapeutically, educationally, systematically, and lovingly enlighten this person.

I can believe in myself now without looking over my shoulder.

Pursue my dreams without questioning myself;.....and live my life with full courage of conviction.

Without second guessing anything..... because there isn't some dysfunctional man with issues making me worry about where I stand with him constantly or making me feel like other women are "better" than me.... 

I am sure you understand my agony, Frida.....

It's sad how.. love is blind and how I idealized a person who always back burnered me and constantly devalued my genuine efforts to love him and make it work. 

I cry myself to sleep at night when I think about how much hope I have lost in love. I used to believe in true love... The thought of it made me excited. I thought I had found it in him. I thought he was the one. But how could someone who hurt you so recklessly? I guess in his eyes I wasn't worthy of being the one... since he cheated on me and told me I am not amazing, and made me feel that way constantly.

Dear Frida,

It is for sometime now that I have been recovering. [the loss of myself.]

I am still searching for the bits and pieces of my soul that are lost...... shattered, scattered and displaced....

For a long time now, all I needed was approval and validation from the one whom I needed to give it to me the most; and this validation did not exist. I was never good enough. No matter how hard i tried, nothing was ever good enough and I was never enough. 

Maybe you can relate. I gave everything to one man. My heart, my soul, my body, my being, my thoughts, my compassion, my love... my endless care, devotion energy and nourishment.

 And all he left me with is broken. 

I wish someone would have pulled me aside as a little girl and just said "Hey, don't fill you're heart up with too much hope or flowery ideas. Those disney movies aren't good for you. The world is a beautiful place but it's filled with lost souls. Watch out for the man with a thousand faces, the man who doesn't know who he is, and the man who wants you to give more than you want to give. This is the face of the devil in disguise of a prince and it will wreck your pure heart, body and mind and shatter it into a thousand pieces, so be careful, and think twice before you so willingly give away that purity of yours"

I believe very firmly in my heart that I will not believe in this same romantic, head-over-heels, all encompassing, luminous type of love for a very long time, that is if at all, i fall.... ever again. 

Only we know the depths of reality of our own worlds. The last two years, unintentionally have turned into the deepest personal spiritual journey into my own heart and mind. I find myself now, in great darkness, still walking. 

Like the quote on my painting, the icy grip of my fear has cracked and a torrent of magic will come out. 

My heart essence which has been dwelling within me soon, will be set free. 

I have been visualizing my new paintings and I am very excited. What is about to come out.. the world has never seen before. 

-Lisa










x

Dear Frida,

My heart is breaking in a way it has never broken before.

A light that once glowed vibrantly in my pre-war heart looks completely different now, post war....

If it were a room, it would be lightless, dusty, dim, and covered in cob webs.

I clearly see my faults, and i clearly see his faults, yet all there is, is gray. That sparkle in my eye that once was, now, is but a distant memory.

Why did I try so hard to make something work that just didn't? Why did I do that? Am I a martyr? A masochist?

The true problem is, I fell in love. More than is comphrensible to the average eye. This was an actual chemical, physical infatuation and addiction.


LM