It is for sometime now that I have been recovering. [the loss of myself.]
I am still searching for the bits and pieces of my soul that are lost...... shattered, scattered and displaced....
For a long time now, all I needed was approval and validation from the one whom I needed to give it to me the most; and this validation did not exist. I was never good enough. No matter how hard i tried, nothing was ever good enough and I was never enough.
Maybe you can relate. I gave everything to one man. My heart, my soul, my body, my being, my thoughts, my compassion, my love... my endless care, devotion energy and nourishment.
And all he left me with is broken.
I wish someone would have pulled me aside as a little girl and just said "Hey, don't fill you're heart up with too much hope or flowery ideas. Those disney movies aren't good for you. The world is a beautiful place but it's filled with lost souls. Watch out for the man with a thousand faces, the man who doesn't know who he is, and the man who wants you to give more than you want to give. This is the face of the devil in disguise of a prince and it will wreck your pure heart, body and mind and shatter it into a thousand pieces, so be careful, and think twice before you so willingly give away that purity of yours"
I believe very firmly in my heart that I will not believe in this same romantic, head-over-heels, all encompassing, luminous type of love for a very long time, that is if at all, i fall.... ever again.
Only we know the depths of reality of our own worlds. The last two years, unintentionally have turned into the deepest personal spiritual journey into my own heart and mind. I find myself now, in great darkness, still walking.
Like the quote on my painting, the icy grip of my fear has cracked and a torrent of magic will come out.
My heart essence which has been dwelling within me soon, will be set free.
I have been visualizing my new paintings and I am very excited. What is about to come out.. the world has never seen before.
-Lisa
x
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